Someone recently told me that I need to write more on the blog. I suppose they have a point. I went from averaging 2-3 posts per week to less than a quarter. That has been quite a slump.
In that regard, I perused though some of my old columns and came across one published 10/6/05 in The Spartan Daily, our college paper. (Note that picture isn’t me… not sure how that got in there.)
The form of the column is my attempt at three-dot journalism. Take it for what it is and I hope you enjoy it.
And if you’re wondering what the headline means, it’s the third installment in my, “In my mind…” series.
Lucid dreams of an insomniac, day 3 … With apologies to Herb Caen, Hunter S. Thompson and Jackie Gleason … Now away we go … Tom DeLay is the fungus that grows between the cracks … yes he messed up … big time … but more so because he shares a similar surname with me … my last name is pronounced the same way … all this bad press isn’t helping the cause … hence, Tom DeLay is the fungus that grows between the cracks … Note to self: Call George W. Bush for a job … I’m just as qualified as Harriet Miers … How did that decision go? “Mr. President, we need your nominee.” “Um OK … um, Miers are you doing anything? Good, put down the darts and go with him.” … I can hang out too … oh, but that’s right, he thinks I’m an evildoer … you tell the guy you’re not Christian and it’s all downhill … Now a warning – if you see a briefcase at City Hall for goodness sakes, don’t touch it … you could set off a political firestorm … You ever get in bed and realize you need to use the bathroom? … Do you go or figure you’ll make it to the morning? … I’m sure I’ll make it … We should send a shuttle full of proctologists to Mars … then they could boldly go where no man wants to go while boldly going where no man has gone before … I think I’d like to be in medical school on the day they pick specialties … then I could give the gynecologists the look of shame … perverts … I’m going to start a fencing club … if anyone has some nails and boards come see me … I tried to start a procrastinators club … but no one showed up … at least that’s what I heard … Sometimes I like to leave myself a message at home … I don’t have a joke, I’m just very sad … call me … please … Golf is the only sport with slaves … I like to imagine an uprising with one caddy parting the red bunker … If breakfast is the most important meal why is it always so early in the morning? … I think men and woman want the same thing … the difference is men are always looking and women always think they’ve found it … Sometimes I lie awake wondering if the Earth could get so overpopulated we would run out of oxygen … I should buy some trees tomorrow … I’m thinking of becoming a fortune teller … when I read the patrons their bank statement I could write down their account numbers … I asked a guy if he had change for a dollar for the bus yesterday … he told me to get a new haircut and lose some weight … then he took my dollar … I walked home … People use the word literally wrong all the time … if I hear one more person misuse it, I’ll shove a dictionary down their throat … literally … I think it’s wrong to call people straight … it implies that gay people are crooked … If a gay person tells you to “get bent” is that a come on? … Why is it when a photographer receives a gift it’s always a picture frame or album … why never film? … I tried to run on a sentence a few times … but I kept falling off the “S” … not a sturdy letter … We’re journalist’s but we don’t keep journals … a conundrum … An apple does not keep the doctor away … if anything, it makes them come closer and get chatty … which is fine, but sometimes they’re holding a needle and they forget which way it’s pointed … “Doc you might want to point that away – nurse it happened again.” … damn apples … You know you’re getting old when the music on the radio starts to suck … actually, scratch that, you know music sucks when artists like the Simpson sisters and System of a Down are on the airwaves … I think the president is so homophobic because of his name … but he might be overcompensating with Dick Cheney … People like to ask me what I am … after I tell them I’m forced to interrupt … I don’t care that your grandmother is half Cherokee … Why is the word abbreviation so long? … I once asked my dad, “Do you Yahoo!” … he slapped me … old people don’t understand technology … Deja vu is weird … sometimes I feel like I’ve been somewhere or said something before and it scares me … Deja vu is weird … ahhhhh … I think “The Truman Show” was made to mock me … I know you’re watching … perverts … I like food fast, but I don’t like fast food … City Hall isn’t being very neighborly … trying to push SJSU students out of the city’s Fourth Street Garage … naughty naughty … the dark of government … in what other career can you pass a law to guarantee yourself a parking space … The Sharks are back … I was never one for hockey … too many rules I couldn’t wrap my brain around … but going to just one game changes all that … I’m sure downtown businesses are happy to see them back … Go Sharks … What’s with the nine-tenths in gas prices … is that really fooling anyone … my Shell station attendant doesn’t seem to have an opinion … One day I want to turn in 100 coupons so I can get my penny … I’ve never seen any of the John Hughes movies … if they’re so great why aren’t any of the actors still working … Am I generation X or Y … Tofurky makes no sense … why would vegetarians want food that tastes like meat … For that matter how can they ever be sure what meat tastes like … this celery is great but it’d be better if it taste like bacon … umm … bay-con … I noticed cooking shows are as popular as ever but nobody cooks anymore … Why do sleeping pills list drowsiness as a side effect … I should hope so … Lastly to Diana, I’m sorry … I’m a bit older and I’ve seen a few more things and there are two things I’ve learned … One: If you expect the worst you’re often pleasantly surprised … Two: If you and your buddies go barhopping and you end up the designated driver, don’t take your own car … well, good night and good luck.
Shaminder Dulai is a Spartan Daily photo editor. “Random Words” appears every other Friday.
